Positive Parenting: Emotional Intelligence for Kids

What is Emotional Intelligence for Kids?

According to the Institute for Health and Human Potential, Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a term created by two researchers named Peter Salavoy and John Mayer but was popularized by Dr. Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.

It’s very interesting that Dr. Goleman considers Emotional Intelligence even more important than IQ, but it makes sense because no matter how smart or intelligent a child or person is, if they can’t function interpersonally, it can have a serious and negative impact on their life. We don’t want this for our kids so I’m going to give some instruction on how to foster Emotional Intelligence for kids and for yourself as a parent!

First, let’s define Emotional Intelligence. It is the ability to:

1. Recognize, understand and manage our own emotions
2. Recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others

In simple terms, this means that we are aware that emotions directly affect our behavior and impact people in a positive or negative way. It also means that to have Emotional Intelligence, we learn how to manage our emotions and the emotions of others especially when we are feeling frustrated, stressed, or pressured which is often how children feel.

Dr. Goleman says that our emotions play a much greater role in thought, decision making and individual success than anything else. He defines EI as a set of skills that include impulse control, self-motivation, empathy, and social competency in interactions and relationships with other people. Dr. Goleman has been involved in school pilot programs in schools across the country where kids are taught conflict resolution, impulse control, and social skills. Basically, how to have a strong Emotional Intelligence!

As parents, we can use Dr. Goleman’s valuable information to help our children develop their own Emotional Intelligence for kids. It’s so important for kids to know, understand, and express their feelings in a positive way that is proactive vs. reactive. Children are very much “feeling beings” and are just learning about their own feelings and those of others whether they are siblings, friends, or their own parents. When a child is happy, their mom or dad knows it, same with when they’re unhappy. Teaching your child how to recognize and honor how they feel is a VERY important task because it affects how they interact with others and vice versa.

I have always advised parents to tell their kids it’s OK to express what they feel maybe by using a different tone to their voice but being clear that hitting and biting are never OK. Say to your child, “Tell me in your words how you feel.” It’s important that parents model this every day and repeat this phrasing every day until the child learns self-control with their feelings. Then the parent says, “It’s OK that you feel (name the feeling),” then offer suggestions about how they can express their feelings in constructive ways.

Honoring how a child feels is important for their self-esteem and development. When your child learns to express their feelings in constructive ways, they are demonstrating Emotional Intelligence.

As a parent, I had to learn EI and then model it with my children. I also had to learn to be patient with my children. Patience is a gift that we give to ourselves and then give to others. As parents, when we have no patience, we are modeling reactive behaviors not proactive which is the opposite of the Emotional Intelligence we are trying to instill in our kids.

I look forward to hearing your feedback on modeling Emotional Intelligence with your own children and see what results you notice when implementing my suggestions. I’d love to know how they worked for you and your family.

Being on this journey of Positive Parenting with you is a wonderful thing. Please look for my next installment of the series soon!