How to Discipline a Toddler

How to discipline a toddler who is crying

When I am asked how to discipline a toddler, my reply is that the most effective way to discipline a toddler is to teach them … not punish your toddler. “What? This makes no sense!” is often the reaction.

My definition of discipline is teaching and assisting your child with the skills of life, using consistency, patience and kindness.

Here is what you need to know about how to discipline a toddler:

  • Discipline has everything to do with teaching and guidance and nothing to do with punishment.
  • The word discipline comes from the Latin root disciplina, which means “teaching/learning”.
  • Discipline is about deciding what you will do with your toddler in a kind yet firm way, with follow through rather than what you expect your child to do.
  • Discipline is about laying a foundation for respect.
  • Discipline is about understanding, encouraging and communication – it’s never about punishment.
  • Discipline is about learning techniques that work for you and your child.
  • Discipline is about showing love and having tons of patience.

Toddlers are feeling beings. They express their feelings through various behaviors we all know too well, such as crying, temper tantrums, pouting, biting, and hitting, to name just a few. Toddlers need to learn how to express their feelings in words – not actions. Parents have to teach their toddler how to put words to what they feel. Even before they learn how to communicate with words, parents need to speak consistently with their little ones using age-appropriate language. Children not only learn from this practice, but they also thrive.

Once toddlers are able to express themselves with words, they then need to learn how to express their feelings in constructive – not destructive – ways. Children learn by example and will soon follow your lead. When even young children learn there are consequences for their behavior, they soon learn to react in a more constructive way.

Teaching your toddler about their feelings is the baseline for giving your toddler self-esteem. Teaching is how to discipline a toddler.

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What is Positive Parenting?

What is Positive Parenting? photo of a young boy in his mother's lap

I have had the pleasure of working with parents and kids for over 35 years and have learned a lot over the span of this time. Not only as a professional but I’m a parent of two adult sons and a grandmother of five and I know first-hand that challenges are real but not impossible!
Being a parent today is certainly tough, but being a kid is often tougher. Kids are facing challenges and stressors that most parents can’t begin to fathom yet parents often enter parenthood with their own issues and baggage, so it can be hard to navigate just how to provide a positive, healthy, approach to raising their children. Parents need a method, a toolbox if you will, of information to raise and equip their kids to become healthy, happy, confident, centered, loving, and, eventually, mature adults.

Parents need to prepare themselves and their kids for the challenges of today’s ever changing and complicated world. But how? Well, raising kids who are successful on multiple levels, ready to face anything is dependent upon laying a solid groundwork at home. Understanding temperaments and family dynamics are key to this success and that’s where positive parenting enters the picture.

My 12-part blog series will provide specific elements on how to foster being a positive parent. I have found that creating a positive living environment fosters happiness and successes for yourself as a parent and for your kids. When you create a positive atmosphere in your home, you are providing your children with security and opportunities to grow and learn.

First, let me explain what positive parenting is, specifically, how to create a positive living atmosphere at home which is the bedrock for every healthy child and family. If you follow the following four L’s and one O, you’ll be off to a good start:

Love:

How often do you demonstrate love for your child through your words, tone of voice, and hugs? Showing love is crucial for your child as is showing love and appreciation of yourself as a parent.

Laughter:

How often do you laugh? It’s very important to laugh and have fun with your children because it helps them feel confident and connects parents and kids.

Limits:

Children feel safest when parents set limits for them which is why they test you because they want to know the boundaries and that those boundaries are safe. Limits will change as your child grows. An example is setting a time limit for electronics.

Linkage:

Parents need to be connected to the outside community to provide a variety of activities for their kids. Finding the best parks in town and searching for local fun activities helps your child’s social, emotional, and physical development and it gives them a connection to others.

Order:

Kids need a sense of order and organization to learn and grow and it’s something they don’t learn without guidance. When they are little, help them put away toys, clothing, etc. in a designated place so they can learn the skills to create order for themselves.

I look forward to joining you on this journey of positive parenting. Please look for my next installment of the series soon!

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Positive Parenting: Communication & How to Talk to Kids

How to Talk to Kids: Image of a mother whispering in her daughter's ear

How to Talk to Kids

In the second installment of my 12-part series addressing Positive Parenting, I move to the topic of communication. Everyone has varying skills when it comes to communication, especially when it comes to talking to your kids, but are your skills effective and working well? If you’re unsure or would like to improve your communication (and who doesn’t?), read on!

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Positive Parenting: Emotional Intelligence for Kids

Picture of a toddler playing with an adult, illustrating emotional intelligence for kids

What is Emotional Intelligence for Kids?

According to the Institute for Health and Human Potential, Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a term created by two researchers named Peter Salavoy and John Mayer but was popularized by Dr. Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.

It’s very interesting that Dr. Goleman considers Emotional Intelligence even more important than IQ, but it makes sense because no matter how smart or intelligent a child or person is, if they can’t function interpersonally, it can have a serious and negative impact on their life. We don’t want this for our kids so I’m going to give some instruction on how to foster Emotional Intelligence for kids and for yourself as a parent!

First, let’s define Emotional Intelligence. It is the ability to:

  1. Recognize, understand and manage our own emotions
  2. Recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others

In simple terms, this means that we are aware that emotions directly affect our behavior and impact people in a positive or negative way. It also means that to have Emotional Intelligence, we learn how to manage our emotions and the emotions of others especially when we are feeling frustrated, stressed, or pressured which is often how children feel.

Dr. Goleman says that our emotions play a much greater role in thought, decision making and individual success than anything else. He defines EI as a set of skills that include impulse control, self-motivation, empathy, and social competency in interactions and relationships with other people. Dr. Goleman has been involved in school pilot programs in schools across the country where kids are taught conflict resolution, impulse control, and social skills. Basically, how to have a strong Emotional Intelligence!

As parents, we can use Dr. Goleman’s valuable information to help our children develop their own Emotional Intelligence for kids. It’s so important for kids to know, understand, and express their feelings in a positive way that is proactive vs. reactive. Children are very much “feeling beings” and are just learning about their own feelings and those of others whether they are siblings, friends, or their own parents. When a child is happy, their mom or dad knows it, same with when they’re unhappy. Teaching your child how to recognize and honor how they feel is a VERY important task because it affects how they interact with others and vice versa.

I have always advised parents to tell their kids it’s OK to express what they feel maybe by using a different tone to their voice but being clear that hitting and biting are never OK. Say to your child, “Tell me in your words how you feel.” It’s important that parents model this every day and repeat this phrasing every day until the child learns self-control with their feelings. Then the parent says, “It’s OK that you feel (name the feeling),” then offer suggestions about how they can express their feelings in constructive ways.

Honoring how a child feels is important for their self-esteem and development. When your child learns to express their feelings in constructive ways, they are demonstrating Emotional Intelligence.

As a parent, I had to learn EI and then model it with my children. I also had to learn to be patient with my children. Patience is a gift that we give to ourselves and then give to others. As parents, when we have no patience, we are modeling reactive behaviors not proactive which is the opposite of the Emotional Intelligence we are trying to instill in our kids.

I look forward to hearing your feedback on modeling Emotional Intelligence with your own children and see what results you notice when implementing my suggestions. I’d love to know how they worked for you and your family.

Being on this journey of Positive Parenting with you is a wonderful thing. Please look for my next installment of the series soon!

 

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